Why is Alex seemingly upset?

The answer to that is always simple. Every once in a while, I get in a less-than-ideal Mood. I like to think that it happens to the best of us, that we are all human and that we all have moods. It is only natural that sometimes we experience basic emotions, attitudes, moods, that are Less-than-Desired, i.e. are Disagreeable.

But really, beneath my seeming anger and dissatisfaction, is Sorrow. It is almost always Sorrow. Let me explain.

Like anyone else, I have had situations in my life that we, let's say, Difficult. We have all felt what it feels like to be Lonely, to feel Alone. We have all felt what it is like to have a sort of Moral Suffering, like feeling we are being antagonized, even persecuted. Often we even realize that we feared something that turned out to be unfounded, etc.

To put it short, we've all felt things that were Disagreeable. Now, being an artist, I do tend to spot things in my art that are less-than-ideal. Sometimes it is as simple and concrete as a hair from a paintbrush finding its way into a painting, stuck in the actual paint. That can be a difficult surgical operation, to remove the hair that dried in the paint itself without messing up the painting. In short, I experience all kinds of "Disagreeable" in my painting as well as my sound design and writing.

So be it. That doesn't tend to affect my mood. However, I can easily grow nostalgic, partly because I'm just built that way. I tend to see lots and lots of beauty in the universe, so much so that it makes me feel pretty depressed. I see extreme beauty, I see how wonderful and splendid and miraculous Love and Joy can be in something as simple as a basic human life. Even the martyrs themselves, the actual martyrs martyred for their beliefs in the early centuries of our era, even they had supreme Joys, and they were martyred. In fact, Joy is how you know that you're on the right path. If there is no Joy, you're doing it wrong. Yes, that's a statement on the side about false martyrs, false prophets, etc. No one chooses martyrdom, it's all in God's hands. All we can do is choose what kind of life we want to live. The simpler the better.

But that stuff, in any case, is not what upsets me or makes me sorrowful. It really is just the profound beauty I see in everything. I grow melancholic over it. And yes, I have been disrespected before, I have even been abused, but that's not really what I'm thinking about these days. I know it comes out like that, the words that come out of my mouth make it seem like that's what the current issue is, but that would be entirely false. There is nothing wrong with this picture. There is nothing wrong with Alex.

That's the truth, and I know it's hard to believe, since, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." I am really just sitting here at the computer staring at a bookshelf. Or else I'm in the Atelier working on something. I have so much wonderful work to do that I don't have time to feel depressed or experience very much chagrin and sorrow and woe and so forth. I really am filled with Joys Supreme, most of the time . But that can't always be seen or deciphered or diagnosed "from the outside".

Most of my life is internal, and the day you can see inside my soul is the day I tell you you suffer from delusions of grandeur, because only one Person can see inside my heart and soul, and that is my Lord the Christ-Jesus. I know, it sounds crazy for a 36 year old philosopher, scholar, researcher, artist to be saying such things. O my Jesus! People think I am not being earnest, that I am joking, but I am not. When you hear me singing, "O my Jesus!" I really am singing it from the bottom of my soul. If you can't accept that, so be it. You can't stop me from adoring my baby Jesus.

So yes, I do feel angry at times, and try not to vehicle anything beyond a basic righteous indignation. I do not want to be choleric, it's enough being melancholic. But I see corruption everywhere, and though I don't want to make a fuss about it, sometimes it gets the better of me. By corruption, I mean anything which corrupts the human soul, namely, sin in any and all of its forms.

Sin, you know, really is much simpler than most people would think. It's just proof that we are imperfect. Sin is a little pockmark on each of our souls or whatnot, that differentiates it from the others, and that differentiates it from being God Himself. Until we ressurrect and sit at the right hand of God with the Christ-Jesus Himself, or Become-The-Face-of-God, One with Him, we have this little spot on our hearts... Our souls are tainted with this little pockmark... I call it a noise-bit. It is a 1-bit noisy signal in our hearts, our souls, that is the cause of all of our woe. I tend to be choleric and that's my pockmark. I have tendencies that cause me pain, tendencies that I do not enjoy within myself, and I can grow angry because of them. But that has nothing to do with you or anybody else. That's between myself and God, and I realize how ludicrous that sounds.

The point is, though, that commenting on it, or criticizing it in public, is not going to make it go away. In fact, there's nothing else I can do to help with my little pockmarked spirit and soul that I'm not already doing. So you know, this can be an immense source of fatigue and weariness amongst Christians, the sensation of being abandoned by God, of living in a "desert" of sorts, abandoned by Him... feeling that we are alone, and so forth. Saint-Teresa of Avila, a great mystic and Saint, called them "Spiritual Aridities", though I translate and paraphrase (and take out of context). It just means that we are often as in an arid landscape, the desert, and that's okay. We are human and must feel the full gamut of emotions, INCLUDING THE DISAGREEABLE ONES!

Can we agree that we all have the right to our emotions, and that YOU are NOT responsible for MY EMOTIONS??? If I should feel righteous indignation with regard to my own pockmarked soul, what do you have to do with this, really? It's not about you, it's not even about me. We all suffer from the same basic flaws, the flaws of our being humanoid. So be it. Let it go. We're not going to solve that today. Let's work on some other problem that we can actual work to solve, together, or alone.. But let's not stop working! We are making such great progress, taking such great strides! I am happy today. The sky in this region, and in Alex Land, is slightly overcast, and the temperature is a little below average, but that's okay. We will make today the best of days. We will make today the best of days. We will make today the best of days. Have mercy on us, Lord! O my Jesus! Amen.


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